Every Now and Then
by Autu-chan
Summary: Every now and then, the Pevensies feel a little bit of heartbreak for what they've lost. Songfic. One-shot. Post PC.


A/N: So this song rocks for finding emotions that the Pevensies felt, and while it's not a Songfic, really, it is based on the song Total Eclipse of the Heart, by Bonnie Tyler. Snippits from the song will be in _italics_ while letters will be in **_bold italic_**. Enjoy! First Narnia fic in a while, so.. Hope y'all enjoy. :))

**Every Now and Then**

_Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming around.._

Peter was sick and tired of this. He was off at University, he hadn't heard from any of his siblings in almost a week, and by the Mane, he was lonely. It was the first holiday he'd spent at school since he'd left, but he couldn't bring himself to go back to that house. Susan was denying Narnia, the land they all loved so much, Lucy was constantly in tears, trying not to lose the ever-so-tenuous strands that held their family together, and Edmund, if he knew his brother, was brooding. As usual.

He sighed, flopping back on his bed, staring at the wall. It didn't help that the walls were the _exact_ same shade of grey as his stone walls had been at the Cair, it didn't help that the window was in the _exact_ same place, and it definitely didn't help that the grass was the _exact_ same shade of green as it had been in Narnia. He clenched his fists, trying not to cry. He buried his face in his pillow, trying to forget that eventually, he would have to go home, he would have to try to fix this. And that he would probably fail and drive Susan even farther away from the family she'd already dismissed.

The burning hot tears finally came, and he got up, stumbling over to his door, closing and locking it with a barely audible click. He knew his roommate would not be returning for several days, and even if he returned early, he would go to one of his various girls' rooms and spend the night there. Peter only wished he had that luxury. Females were sacred, and Peter would treat them right. One night stands, while numbing the pain of another night alone, would only make him feel worse in the long run. He'd been taught better than that.

He finally made it back over to his bed, and, clutching his pillow as he would his darling, beloved Lucy, had she been there with him, he buried his face in the softness and began to sob, heart-wrenching, emotional tears that he'd never let anyone else see, not even Edmund, whom he trusted above all others, who always had his back no matter what. He didn't know what to do.. Didn't know how to deal with losing his family, losing the most important people in his life. Aslan's mane, he regretted not going home.

A household where they were all strained was better than being without them over Easter, the anniversary of his brother, Edmund's glorious redemption.. And Aslan's return. Aslan's mane, they'd almost lost Edmund that day. He almost felt as if he was losing his baby brother all over again by not being with him, near him to protect him from whatever might try to hurt him. Aslan, how could he be away from him, from Lucy and Susan, for two more months? This worrying was going to kill him.

As soon as he composed himself, he sat down and began a letter, his untidy script running over the page.

_**Dearest Lucy,**_

_**How is everything? I am fine.. Missing everyone terribly but fine all the same. I feel rather stupid for not coming home for Easter, now is the time we all need to be together. Don't tell Edmund, but he told me you cried when you found out. And I feel terrible for that. I'm sorry, Lucy. You know I hate seeing you cry, dearheart. Please smile. I know it's hard, but Aslan will never leave you in a place you cannot get through. Keep the home fires burning, little love, I'll be home before you know it. And I don't think I'll be coming back next term. I hate being away from all of you and it's killing me to be away from everyone this long. Send Mum my love, give Ed a hug for me and give Su a kiss. I don't care what you have to do to make sure she accepts it. I love you, Lucy.**_

_**All my love,**_

_**Peter.**_

It wasn't ideal. Nothing short of seeing them all again would be, but for now, this would have to do.

_Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears.._

The only time she ever let herself cry was behind closed doors, and she always closed herself in her closet and surrounded herself in gowns that were too scratchy, nothing like Narnian gowns. And she cried just softly enough that her siblings wouldn't hear. The stories of Narnia always drove her to this closet, so like the wardrobe, that she wept into the cotton dresses and tried desperately to pretend they were the fine silken Narnian gowns she wore so often.. She was getting so tired of hearing herself cry. It meant she would have to reapply the mask she was wearing so well..

She didn't want her siblings to know she was hurting as much as they were. It was easier for them to believe that she believed Narnia was just a fairy tale. They didn't see the wistful glances she threw their way whenever they talked about their kingdom. Aslan's mane, she missed it. She wore fancy clips in her hair just to have the feeling of something, anything on her head. She wore the fanciest dresses she could find just so she could pretend she was back when she went to the shallow parties her so called friends had.

She went through men like water so she could try to find the love and protection she found with Aslan. Of course, none of them even compared, because Aslan's love was the love of a father, and their father had died while they'd been away, so there was no chance she could _ever_ find anything like that again. She'd never ever find the same type of love she hadn't even realized she'd been missing, and by the time she had, it was gone. She closed her eyes against the burning tears, The rough fabric of the dress falling from her fingers as she curled into a ball on the floor of the closet.

She wanted to cry, and cry, and cry. And maybe after that, curl up and die. She missed Him so much, she missed them so much. She knew she was a Daughter of Eve and a Queen of Narnia.. But what sort of Queen acted like she did? What sort of Queen rejected their land as a girlhood fantasy? No queen she ever knew. She knew her siblings would never forgive her for the grief she caused them, and she didn't blame them. She didn't know if she could find the strength to forgive a sibling that had screamed at her, yelled at her, called her dreams stupid, and then told her to leave her alone until she'd _matured_ enough.

She'd never forgive _herself_ for the grief she'd put them through. She rocked against the back wall of her closet, hearing Lucy and Edmund talking in the next room over. Probably something about Narnia. Oh.. She missed it. Even thinking about the name of her beloved land, where she'd been accepted no matter what she did, hurt. It cut her so deeply. She took a deep breath and pulled herself up, walking out of the closet, rubbing her eyes and wiping away her tears. This was her last resort. She'd always been better at writing than speaking anyway.

_**Dear Lucy and Edmund,**_

_**I want to say I'm sorry. I feel.. No, I know, that I am the reason Peter didn't come home for Easter. I know how hard it is for you two especially not to have him here, and I want to let you know that it's difficult for me too. I've messed up. I tried too hard to forget about Narnia that I didn't realize that I can't forget about Narnia because I, all of us, really, **_are**_ Narnia. We are the very essence of Narnia, and nothing we can do can change that. I have deeply hurt you two and Peter, and for that I am so deeply sorry. I hurt you, Lucy, by attacking Narnia. By attacking Narnia I attacked you. I hurt you, Edmund, by denouncing Aslan. By saying he wasn't real, I took away his sacrifice and your redemption. That was not my place. I only hope.. You can forgive me._**

_**I love you both.**_

_**Susan.**_

Without a word, the Gentle queen stood and folded the note. She walked out her door and stood in front of Edmund's. She knocked one, twice, and before they could answer, she set the note on the ground and hurried away. It wasn't the ideal way, but Susan had never been courageous like her siblings, and it was the only way she could think of.

_Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.._

Edmund would never admit it, but he still had nightmares of Her. There would be nights he'd wake up shaking and he'd stumble into his sister's room and just stare for a while. She'd always been the beauty, the prettiest one of them all, with her dark hair and dark, calculating eyes. She was the type that Edmund and Peter had the beat the suitors away from, sometime literally. And he loved protecting his older sister from the men that would hurt her. Okay, he would admit it, he wanted him and Peter to be the only men in her life, period.

He snuggled into the right side of the bed. Susan always preferred the left, Aslan only knew why. But somehow she always knew when he would stumble into his room in the dead of night and her beautiful dark eyes were open, a deep caring that ran deeper than friends, deeper than rulers, that was the bond of family that shone in them. She wrapped her arms around him. No words even needed to be spoken, if they didn't want them to be. All Edmund really needed was to know that Susan was there for him.

Yes, he had been hurt. Yes, Susan had hurt his entire family deeply, but so had he. He knew better than anyone what redemption felt like. It wasn't his place to deny redemption when it was sought, especially since she had given it to him when he had messed up so badly, when he felt he was beyond saving. His sister was his rock, his stronghold, the only one who understood when he had the most terrifying nightmares of Jadis. Because she had been Jadis. She had lured herself away from Aslan.

But she'd come back. Aslan had showed her the error of her ways, and she'd come back. He smiled against his shoulder and when she'd asked what he was so happy about, he just shook his head. She'd fallen asleep quickly, and he knew what was dancing in her head. Images of lion's kisses and nymphs' dances played out before her. And soon he was asleep as well. But not before he'd composed a letter in his head, the most wonderful letter he knew Susan will have ever received

_**Dear Susan, my wonderful, beloved older sister,**_

_**I forgive you.**_

_**Love, Edmund**_

And in the morning, he wrote down exactly that and slipped it underneath her door. He smiled as he walked away, knowing that, while not everything was perfect, they had at least begun to heal.

_Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms_..

Peter was finally coming home, he was finally going to be home! Lucy couldn't help but bounce excitedly as she woke up in the morning, a bright smile on her face. She'd missed her older brother dearly and with them all home, they could finally talk about Narnia like they used to. Susan was back as a Friend and Peter would be home soon! She dressed in her nicest clothes and put her now longer hair in pigtails that she knew he loved to pull on affectionately.

She glanced at the clock. Any second, the doorbell would ring and her favorite big brother (don't tell Edmund!) would be home! They'd have a whole three months together before he had to go back.. And he may not even be going back. The Light of Narnia, as her siblings affectionately called her, was back. No more melancholy for Lucy Pevensie! After all, there was no reason for it. Peter would soon be home and then they could all be together again.

Of course.. She stared out the window, a tad sad now. Narnia wasn't this happy. She didn't know how long it'd been since they'd left again, but she smiled quietly. They were in good hand with Caspian or even one of his sons. Aslan's mane, she missed it. She knew she wasn't suffering like Susan, but in a way, she was. Susan was right, Lucy _was_ Narnia, heart and soul, and in leaving Narnia, she'd left a part of her very soul behind. Then again, Narnia had always had a piece of her soul, because her Queendom was only fit for Narnia.

She glanced at the clock again. Any second now.. Her body was tense with anticipation. She couldn't wait for him to be home. It'd been so long since they'd all been together under one roof and friendly with each other. Yes, Lucy, Edmund, and Susan went to school, but they were so close to each other and to their home that they could easily come home most weekends. Of course, Susan rarely did because she was out with her friends but Edmund and Lucy did.. But they hadn't all been together in a long time.

The doorbell rang and she sprung from the windowsill and danced down the stairs. Peter had barely been home and instant before Lucy was in his arms, giving him a kiss on the cheek. He laughed and twirled her around, laughing with her. He set her down and kissed the top of her head softly and whispered a greeting in her ear. She laughed and reached into his bag, pulling out the brightly wrapped present that contained sweets and a book on herbs used for healing, that even contained one known as the Fire Flower.

She smiled. He always did know what she would like. She gave him another kiss on the cheek and then stood behind him, writing with her finger on his back.

_**Dear Peter,**_

_**I missed you. Welcome home, my beloved, magnificent brother.**_

_**Love, Lucy.**_

He smiled brightly as he got the message.

_And we'll be holding on forever cause we'll only be making things right.._

A/N: So this did not turned out as planned but that's a good thing! Thanks for reading and please review! 3


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